Here Comes the Bride
by Mageia
Summary: Post HotU Deekin finally finds the courage to propose to his beloved boss. But, when an old classmate shows up, things get messy. THIS GETS REDICULOUS! R&R please.


Anande sighed as Freida fussed over the torso of the gown.

"When you were fitting the dress for me," began Freida Angalle as she put her hand over her cleavage, "why didn't you warn me about the obnoxious corset?"

The aasimar monk rolled her eyes, "You're about a third of my height, why did _I_ have to go through the fitting?"

"Clothes are interchangeable," complained the halfling rogue, "whenever I find better leather armor, I could give my old armor to Daelan and it always fit him perfectly."

Anande sighed again, "When I put on your dress, I was accompanied by three male tailors and no one said anything."

"Well you're a very tall person, humans have to look _up_ at your face. When tall people talk to _me_ they have to look _down_."

"Just cover it with your veil and come out, we're going to be late."

Before Freida could protest, Anande grabbed her by the forearm and dragged her out of the dressing room and into the elaborate halls of the Mystran temple.

* * *

Meanwhile

"So," began Valen as he adjusted Deekin's ornate red robes, "are you ready for your big moment?"

"Um…" peeped Deekin.

"Look, I know being bound to Freida may not be the most pleasant of fates, but you have to go out there and do it," said the tiefling.

"Deekin gots to pee…"

Valen's eyes widened, "Now?"

"Uh-huh," responded Deekin.

Valen rolled his eyes, "Just make it quick."

Valen crossed his arms as he waited outside the privy. There were no sundials inside, but Valen knew that Deekin was taking longer than he should. When the kobold opened the door, he barely had enough time button his ceremonial pants before Valen grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged him towards the main hall.

* * *

At the entrance to the main hall, Freida was throwing a fit.

"What the hell his this shit?!" demanded Freida, "Why are you holding me up at _my_ own wedding?!"

"I'm sorry," said the alter boy, "but you are not supposed to enter until the wedding commences and the wedding cannot commence until the groom arrives."

The door closed before Freida could blurt out another angry statement.

"Where _is_ Deekin?" Anande stated calmly.

As if her voiced summoned him. Valen power-walked down the hall, dragging an almost limp kobold groom. When they got close to the bride and the bridesmaid, Valen let go of Deekin, causing the groom to almost crash into the bride.

"Deekin!" exclaimed Freida, "Where the hell were you? I got held up for half an hour!"

"This is why it is bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the wedding," whispered Valen in Anande's ear.

"Sorry, boss," responded Deekin.

"Boss?" said Anande, "You're going to get married in five seconds and you still call her 'boss'?"

"We better go," said Valen as he opened the door and pushed Deekin through.

From the outside of the main hall, Freida could hear the pitter patter of Deekin running towards his spot at the altar until she heard a loud 'thud'. Apparently the kobold found his bearings for she could hear the pitter patter until it stopped and Freida could hear slight panting.

The doors opened for Freida. Anande had to bend over to hold Freida's train. As the light poured in through stain-glass windows, it shined on Freida, giving her the celestial radiance that would not have fitted her in any other situation. Freida and Anande continued to walk slowly up the aisle towards the altar. 

The priest was fully garbed in heavy robes and a turban and his back was towards the altar. Freida noticed that he was big. He was a head taller than Valen and his shoulder width would have taken up half the altar. Freida reached the altar and took her place across from Deekin. When the music stopped, the priest turned around. Freida and Anande gasped when they saw the face of their old schoolmate.

Xanos Messarmos cleared his throat, took a deep breath and raised his arms.

"Bitches and Bastards of all races. You are all here today to witness as the great Xanos Messarmos host the wedding of…eh…some stupid couple."

"Hey!" shouted Freida.

"As many of you know," continued Xanos as if she had not spoken, "I, the Great Xanos Messarmos, star of Hilltop, retriever of artifacts, slayer of stingers…"

"Just get on with it!" shouted someone from the pews.

"Shut up!" snapped Xanos, "It is not everyday that the Great Xanos hosts a wedding you know!"

"Thank the gods," muttered Freida.

Xanos turned red, "Shut up you little bitch!"

The guests gasped. Freida was silent for a moment, and then she reached up, grabbed Xanos by the collar and yanked him down.

"Listen, buddy," scowled the halfing bride, "if I get pissed off, someone's gonna get hurt."

She let go and Xanos recollected himself.

"Since this a matrimonial occasion," the half-orc resumed, "I shall be uniting these two little people pretty soon. Now is there an idiot among you who has come up with a ridiculous notion as to why the Great Xanos should not join these two them in matrimony?"

"I object," boomed a voice. The owner was balding and aging, but he had a good build and was dressed in blue like a king, "You, sir, are not a proper minister!"

"Ah, shut up!" demanded Xanos, "Just who do you think you are?!"

"I am Lord Nasher Alagondar," responded the nobleman, "Lord of Neverwinter, Grand Ruler of the North, defeater of Luskan…"

"Yes, yes, very nice," Xanos interrupted, "now shut up, you stupid bastard!"

Lord Nasher turned purple in the face, but he sat down whilst giving Xanos an "I'll deal with you later" look.

"Now," continued Xanos, "if there is nothing else…"

"We object," yelled two halflings. One of them was unkempt and wearing black. The other was wearing a yellow tunic and had neat hair and fingernails.

"Oh no," groaned Freida as her two ex-boyfriends from Calimport came in, "Tomi, Sami, what the hell are you two doing here, and WHY ARE YOU WORKING TOGETHER?!"

"Freida," said Samuel, "know that I am the worthy choice, I have just won and spent a fortune from you."

"No," said Tomi, "come with me, Freida, and we will have tons of fun."

"Boss," said Deekin, "what is going on?"

"Deekin," responded Freida, "I did have an affair with each of them at one point in my life. But Sami is a loser and Tomi is a good-for-nothing rotten cheater."

"Let's continue, please," said Xanos.

Deekin put one hand on the altar and the other on his face, "Deekin can't handle this right now."

"Time's up," snapped Xanos.

"Deekin," began Freida as if she had not heard Xanos and took Deekin's hand off his forehead, "I do have a past, but it's over now. And you are the best man a woman could ask for and the one I want to spend the rest of my crazy life with."

"Aw, boss," said Deekin.

"Time's up!" Xanos snapped more assertively.

"You know what, boss? Deekin thinks…"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" yelled Xanos while he was slamming a tome on the altar…with Deekin's fingers still on it.

"AIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIY!" screamed Deekin, "YOU BREAKS DEEKIN'S FINGER!"

Tomi and Sami laughed loudly. Xanos threw the tome up the aisle and hit Tomi in the face. Tomi collided with Sami and they were both knocked out cold.

"Now," continued Xanos, "Kobold, do you take Freida Angalle to be your lawfully wedded wife? Of course you do! Freida? Go figure! Now the rings!"

Valen, though a little freaked out by the events, presented two gold rings. Deekin very gingerly, for his own safety, slipped his ring on Freida's finger. Freida took her ring and slipped halfway onto Deekin's finger…to find that it was the now broken one!

"AIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIY!" screamed Deekin.

"Oh gods, I'm sorry," gasped Freida as she tried to gently take it off.

"This is taking to long!" yelled Xanos. He took Deekin's hand away from Freida's and jammed the ring down.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" screamed Deekin.

"I now announce you husband and wife," declared Xanos, "just kiss her already."

Deekin's painful screaming was cut off by Freida's juicy lips. After Deekin calmed down, they separated.

"Ok," said Xanos, "wedding's over, go home everybody, go home. Church is closed, go away now!"

"But what about the buffet?" asked a random person.

"No," snapped Xanos, "no buffet, it is all mine. Go home. Go."

* * *

**And thus began Deekin and Freida's marriage.**

**Shortly after the wedding was over, Xanos Messarmos was arrested for insulting Lord Nasher.**

**When Tomi and Sam woke up, Sam once again blamed Tomi for another failed plan and began to chase him around the temple with a kitchen knife. The priests there managed to subdue him. The judge found him insane and he was castrated.**

**Ever since their journey to Cania, Valen and Anande had kept their love affair a secret until Anande decided to forsake her oaths to Lathander to marry him at last.**

**Despite the rather rough start, Freida found that she enjoyed married life and, in the years to come, she and Deekin were very happy together and never regretted a single day of their marriage.**

**END**


End file.
